He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
