i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
where are you?
Hypothermia
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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