2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
