This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
