listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
