He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
