Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
