pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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