last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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