ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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