my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
