I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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