Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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