I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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