Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
