Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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