I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
