There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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