I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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