He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
