my phone needs a breathalizer
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
