your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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