Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
