I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
