maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i already hear my dad disowning me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
