I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
