Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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