I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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