i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
