U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
