just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
