i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
