if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
