I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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