and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
