is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
