Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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