I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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