for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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