someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
