no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
