My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
