In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
