stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
