turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
