I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
