You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
