frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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