he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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