i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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