allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
