Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we're making bets on your personal life
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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